Well, it’s been a slow year on the blog for me. I haven’t been writing as much as normal, and it’s been tough for me. A combination of changing roles at work, normal growth of parental duties, and some family developments has preempted my writing here on the blog. It’s been frustrating for me because I love reviewing books, but this blog isn’t in the top five priorities of my life at the moment. Hopefully, as I settle into my new role and as our family adjusts to the latest developments, I’ll be able to return to writing here.
Right now, I have a list of books from publishers that I need to review. My backlog is bigger than I’d like, and I want to tackle that list. Prior to requesting new books, I need to make significant headway on reviewing what I have. It’s the right thing to do for everyone involved. So, for the foreseeable future, I will not request books from publishers. I don’t yet know what will satisfy me such that I can start requesting again, and I doubt I’ll even try to quantify it without at least a few reviews written.
In my new role at work, I’m managing people even though I’m not a manager. As such, since the beginning of March, I’ve taken a crash course in leading others. Whether books, articles, podcasts, or asking mentors, I’ve been working hard at learn how to be a good leader and how to get things done. Part of the learning that I’ve done has been to look into why I became an engineer and why I do what I do. In addition, why have I continued to work in the same field for the past 18 years. Going through that exercise at work has been enlightening, and if you can, I suggest you seek it out for yourself.
This exercise has re-energized my career. Last fall and this past spring, I had been comfortable but not challenged. At the same time, I was looking at other companies to move to, and I was even questioning if I could just ride that position out for the next 12 years towards retirement. Those are not good places for me to be. Part of it was burnout, part of it was a lack of challenge, part of it was a lack of control, and part of it was being unappreciated. People are more likely to be engaged in their careers if they feel that they have some sort of control over it. I felt that I had peaked, and that even if I did my very best, it wouldn’t matter. At that time, I felt I could have hit all my performance metrics and exceeded them without it mattering to anyone at the company at all. People like to feel that their efforts matter, and I’m no different.
Ironically, the move that changed my career came happened to be out of my control. I was moved into a position that I said I didn’t want. Without my consent, I was moved into a high pressure, high risk situation that seemed destined to fail. I was angry, but I wasn’t ready to leave the company. I made plans, and I stewed in my anger. But I worked all the while, and after about a month, I found myself energized and loving my career again. This forced me to look at what motivated me. Why was I happy in a role I wanted when I wasn’t happy in a role that I had work hard for?
The result was a combination of regaining a bit of control over my work and knowing that the work I did mattered to others. But it was also more than that. I was moving from an ill-defined team structure where I had a rotating pool of individuals working for me to a team that was dedicated to the same project as me. In addition, that team was filled with highly capable engineers who were frustrated with how the company was treating them. And rightly so. Ironically, the loss of control over my role in the greater company led to a regain of control within my team because I had others to fight for. If I was forced to move to this team, I was going to make things better for the people on it. The only power I had was to leave the company, and luckily for me, no one wanted that. So, I used that to change the dynamics for my team. It worked. Things are getting better, and it’s motivated me to know that what I’m doing matters to my team.
So how does that play in with this blog? Well, I asked myself why does this blog matter to me? Am I doing the right things for this blog? Things have definitely changed for it; as it’s gotten more popular, I’ve received more opportunities to review books. When it comes to books, I want to read everything, and I’m interested in everything. Between that and that growth meant I had to say yes to every opportunity early on, I’ve requested and accepted too many books. That in turn led me to read and review at a pace that was unsustainable for me. This is a bit of a cycle in my life where I read and review as much as I can till I burn out. Then I take a break, and when I’m recovered, I begin reviewing again which leads back into reading and reviewing until I burn out.
That’s not healthy. For the past two years, I haven’t read any books from my personal library. I’ve been lucky enough that publishers are being generous and sharing with me. But I’ve also been greedy and taking more books than I can keep up with and taking so many books that I only read review books and none of my own. This leads to two complications: 1) a feeling of guilt for not keeping up with what the publishers give me, and 2) a feeling of obligation when I open a review book instead of the one from my personal library that I’m more interested in. This has become unsustainable.
How do I course correct for that? Well, it goes back to the why of the blog. Did I start this blog to get free books? No. I started it because I enjoy writing reviews of books. Writing these reviews helps me engage with what I read in a deeper fashion than just reading through the pages. Reviewing allows for deeper thinking and for identifying what makes a book work. It’s something I do because it’s creative in a way that balances my day job. Reviewing allows me to contribute to an art form – writing – that I’m not good at. I love books, and this allows me to interact with them in another way. And if someone reading this blog likes my reviews and finds a book they love, that makes my day.
What does that mean for this blog? I honestly don’t know. Something has to change in order for me to break the cycle of review, burnout, stop reviewing, feel guilty, and return to reviewing. I don’t know what that is right now. (If you have thoughts, I’d love to hear them in the comments.) What I do know is that balance is needed in my reading life. Balance between selections from my personal library and publisher provided books is needed. Reviews need to be created and uploaded at a pace that can be maintained for the long term.
I don’t know how to do that right now; so, it’s time to experiment. So, please, bear with me as I try to figure out how to work this blog at a pace with which I can keep up. Of course, life events will also overshadow and complicate things, but maybe if I can develop a habit that is sustainable, the blog won’t shut down during tough times. I don’t know. But I’m going to figure it out.